How to 'mental hug' your employees?

Secrecy has long been a characteristic of business, politics and other aspects of life. Fear of losing an advantage, letting a competitor get ahead or simply not clinging onto one’s precious possessions is a feature of many societies.

You see it in the home. Children are told little about their parent’s lives and work. Even wives often know only the sparsest information about their husband’s job.

You see it in business negotiations. Every effort is made to reduce the price; little is done to reconcile the goals of the two parties.

Telling the other side what we want might show our hand to our disadvantage. But good negotiation is not about beating the devil out of the other side, it is about arriving at a situation that suits both parties.

You see it in training the young and, today, the middle aged who have to be brought up to date with new technologies, philosophies and practices.

‘Don’t reveal anything that is proprietary or that might constitute intellectual property.’ I have heard it said that an apprentice system in Singapore suffers from the reluctance of the experienced to communicate their skills and knowledge to the young. If that is true it is a serious drag on the next generation.

Why is there this side of so many communications when success has taught us is that our business benefits when we give and the other side gives, too? Open exchange of ideas, plans and technologies is what built many societies. Why are others reluctant to adopt it?

Culture is a habit that for better or worse has become ingrained as a law, something that can only be changed if everyone else changes at the same time.

Examine the other side of the coin. Disregard of other people’s IP, a tendency to take without reciprocity, even when the culture says that we never go empty-handed. Squirrel-like collection of unwanted freebies which then clutter up our limited space. The acquisitive are an unattractive sight bordering on irresponsibility.

Communications suffer the same fate. Plenty of ritual, superstition and kow-towing, relatively little genuine exchange of information or affection. “My mind’s my own, my feelings are private.” No society ever flourished happily on this basis.

It seems that the more we are told about how important communications are the worse they get. Why? Is it that we ignore what the rest of the world can teach us? If so, do we think we are already ahead of them?

In some respects Singapore is very much ahead of the rest of the world; in others not. The application of technology to our living standards, our ability to provide education that guarantees a massive supply of scholars, a diligence that almost every other country in the world envies, security on the streets, no mean feat in 2012 – these are all big achievements.

These advantages, so dearly won, merely highlight poor communications, lack of creativity and missing transparency in our day to day lives. Language education is not about learning words but about understanding meaning. Misunderstanding is a way of life in Singapore, especially in business where even to ask for an explanation is regarded as admission of failure.

We hear about quality time with children and between spouses but seldom about quality time with staff. The behaviour of many businesses suggests that the opposite is happening – meetings, procedures and the press of work make it impossible for bosses and staff to talk.

Yet we all know that communication lies at the centre of the human race. It is what has enabled us to develop beyond instinct. It is what gives meaning to life and the chance to exchange information and ideas which form the basis of our development.

Unfortunately the word communications is not understood. The Seinfeld scriptwriters motto is “No hugging, no learning”. They are right. Employers cannot hug their employees every morning; some cultures discourage it. The physical form of hugging – so important in many societies – can be replaced by mental hugging. I know; as an ‘email Mentor’ I do it all the time.

Good communication is when two people tell each other the truth without fear of misunderstanding or offence. Telling the truth requires you to trust the person in whom you are confiding. How do you establish that trust and, once established, how do you keep it?

Paradoxically, as you trust others less, so you are even less able to trust them. The more you trust others, the more you will gain and keep their trust. But you then have to live up to it.

Can Singapore learn from other countries that openness in business is financially rewarding? Can we understand that there are no longer many secrets in the world? Can we adapt to modern management openness and participation?

What are the implications for employers and employees of the TAR (Talk And Relax) system of management?

1. Everyone has to listen. The growing cacophony of noise being directed at us means that we increasingly turn off the sound and fail to listen. I have seen a man’s life ruined because his boss refused him a loan and failed to listen to why he wanted it. The boss, in my opinion, bore more responsibility for the subsequent illegal behaviour of his employee than did the employee himself.
2. We have to make time. Any good organiser can free up at least thirty percent of the time wasted in a business on pointless ritual. A plea that we have no time is an admission of incompetence and false priorities, not proof of overwork.
3. We have to care more about the other person than about ourselves. That means we understand and seek to meet their needs, hopes, ambitions. And here’s another paradox. The more we care about the other person, the more they care about us.
4. We have to persevere. Communications isn’t something you do for half an hour on Friday mornings; it’s something you do 24/7.

So what are the respective roles of the boss and the employee in communicating?

They both bear an equal responsibility. If your boss doesn’t talk to you, talk to him or her. If you colleagues don’t talk to you, talk to them. If employees don’t talk to their bosses, the bosses must talk to them.

Go on, have a good chat. It’ll pay you handsomely.

John Bittleston is the Founder Mentor and CEO of Terrific Mentors, a management and personal development organisation that enables Disciplined Thinking and Organisational Behaviour by Questioning, Encouraging and Infusing Experience.